Cry me a river. Oh. Cry my a river!

Side note, I love that JT and Jessica got hitched... okay back to why we are all here...

As much as I would love to just sit here and air all the things I want I am trying to keep this as civilized as possible. This is the internet for heaven sakes. So here we go..

    

I have been in Houston for a month now and it has been.. well its been. I don't really have words to describe my Journey thus far. but, It has been hard. Hard in SO many different ways..

When I first got here it was hard because I was missing my family everyday all day and sometimes it was almost unbearable. But that has gotten better. A lot better. Yes I still miss them more than I can express but it isn't so paralyzing as it was before. 

I think its safe to say that this job, this experience is not at all what I thought it was going to be. Some for the better. Most of it for the worse. I am having a hard time dealing with it all. I have times more often than not that I am going about my day and just break down and cry because it is SO much to handle. I was not prepared for this. Not at all. There are a few things about the family that I really enjoy. And there are some that I loath. Thats how things would be with any family but i was not prepared for this. I should probably clarify that the job is not really hard. Like when you write down all the things I have to do each day, yes it is long and some are silly but that doesnt really bother me, I can handle that part. Its the emotional side of things... the things that I am sucked into because I live here. relationship wise.. that probably doesnt even make sense but it does to me okay! ha

A SUPER long interesting yet boring disgusting story later... I am now at a turning point. 

I have realized that for about a week now i've just frankly been in a bad mood. I have let things affect me that maybe I shouldn't have. I didnt really let anyone know that I was in a bad mood or mad or irritated until Thursday. I will admit I did not handle things well that day. That was the day well one of the many days that I realized I am not happy here. Yes I have had some good days that are few and far between but for the most part I am not happy here. Yesterday I decided after talking to my oh so wise and wonderful mother. That I am the only one who can change my situation. No one can change it for me. I am the only one who can decide to be happy no matter what. I am the only one who can change my attitude towards things. And if the time comes I am the only one who can change my surroundings. 

Ive decided to take the whole month of November and try my best to have a better more positive attitude. To try and not let things get to me as much. To try my best to do all that I can to make this a more positive experience. I realize I cannot change peoples actions towards me. All I can do is change the way it affects me. After this month of trying really hard, after trying my best I will then be at a decision point in my life and make some very careful and prayerful choices but until then.... I am going to be a more positive pauly. 

I bought this book a couple of days ago that I thought might help me. Its called, "Now is the time." Its just little "pick me ups" that I will try reading everyday and apply that concept to the day and see if it actually works. Lets be honest. This could just be a whole load of crap but, lets try! 

Today's "pick me up" says...

"Now is the time to... 

Tame your inbox.

stop allowing email to dominate your life

it interrupts your concentration

it puts you in a state of constant anticipation

break the cycle. disconnect

treat it like snail mail

check it once each morning and late afternoon

give yourself time to think."

well.. ha. uh. good one. 

anyway. Maybe I will get better at this blogging thing but who knows! 

But thats all for now folks! 

dont read this. you will waste your time!

7 days. 7...7...seven.


alright. lets update on this week shall we?

after completely overreacting on Saturday and Sunday I got my crap together and have not cried since! 
HA! right.

Monday Tuesday Wednesday I basically just followed every move Hannah made. (the old nanny) We did all the house work and ran all the errands, and did everything we needed to do. including taking care of the freaking dogs. I swear. That is one thing I dont think I will ever get used to. I am SO not an animal person. at all. nope.not one bit. and the fact that I now have to care for 2 massive dogs and a cat does not make me jump for joy. The dogs are super old and the oldest one just well.. needs to go on to glory! ha. I mean that sounds bad but whatever. Its the truth. The dogs are like royalty in this house. I have never understood the human/animal relationships that people have but good on yall! someone needs to love and care for those things. Bitzy is the oldest and shes really sick. she is on like 7 meds that she has to take twice a day. therefore i must give them to her. ew. she has this special food you have to mix. its a mixture of wet and dry food and all 2 of the meds I have to add to the food. wet it. and mix it up. SICK! it smells like vomit that has been licked up and thrown up again and then someone didnt clean it up for a few days and it has now started to grow mold. its so nasty. it makes me gag every morning and night that i have to do it. So thats only 3 of her med. the other 4 I have to stick inside of meatballs and force feed her. one pill i have to fill on my own. its like a freaking pharmacy. I did NOT go to school for that! ha. anyway. whatever they are cute from a distance. blah blah blah. also another dumb thing.. ive started waking up BEFORE my alarm goes off. Like a good 45 mins before. and I already get up freaking early. ew. who does that!?ha

On the other hand. I have started to slowly build relationships with the family but it is so hard. Ive talked and become friends with 3 of the previous nannies so ive talked to them all this week extensively and we have all agreed that the actual job is not hard. not one bit. anyone could do it. But the hard part is the emotional side. the emotional side of every aspect of this job is so hard. I still miss Dallas so much its hard to function sometimes. I still wish I was at home instead of here. I still wish that I wasnt such a baby about this but that is not the case. I tell myself everyday that it will get better. Just give it some time. You have only been here one week. When emotionally if feels like ive been here a month. It is just crazy. There have been moments this week where I have felt completely alone. Today I was by myself driving to pick Sean up from school and I dont know what came over me but I just lost it. The tears just started coming and I could not stop them. I know that I am here for a reason but that reason I do not know yet. I know that I need this in my life but do I know why yet?? of course not. 

A very kind soul sent me this quote from President Hinckley today. "Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. If we put our trust in him, if we pray to him, if we live worthy of his blessing, he will hear our prayers."

In the end when it just me alone with my thoughts in the middle of the day or at night. I know that I might feel completely alone at that moment but I know that Im not. I know that I will never be alone. ever. 

anyway enough of the complaining already! Good news....
I found out yesterday that I get to come home for a full WEEK for Thanksgiving. I am BEYOND excited. Also except for feeding the dogs... I dont have to work till Wednesday. Oh this could be bad. ha! also I am way too tired to re read this to check for spelling or to even see if it make sense. just go with it! and i warned you not to read it. dont get loud with me if you did! ha :)

I can do hard things...

Ladies and Gents prepare yourself.

Well Today is Sunday and Ive been in Houston for 25 hours now. It has been the LONGEST 25 hours of my life thus far. Oh my freaking heck. I was not prepared for this transition like I thought I was. Lets walk you through this shall we.

Thursday September 27th.
This is how the day went... I spent Wednesday night at Marles house and spent the day with her going to Doctors appointments and such, then we went to Coen and Emmas school for a block party. Well we were getting our party on and it came time for Marlee and Abby and J to leave and head home. Mar came and gave me a hug bye and this is the first time it hit me that that was the last time I was going to see them until Thanksgiving probably. Holy as soon as Mar walked away the water works started automatically. Then that night had to say bye to Coen. Emma. Lyla and Jack. LAME! oh.  It. was. outrageous. so gay. I have never experienced that kind of heartache. Walking away from all of my babies and knowing its going to be a month before I see them again was like having my heart ripped out of my chest. I cant even handle it. They arent even my kids and I feel like a little part of me has died. or maybe not died. I just feel like I am missing something. The amount of love that I have happening for those kids is unreal. oye. this is stupid. anyway...

Friday.
Ma took the day off to help me START packing. START! At this point I am supposed to be moving in less than 24 hours and I have yet to start putting anything in a box. SUPER awesome. So I started packing and then mom informed me that my seesters wanted to have one last GNO and get some yozen frogurt. holler! SO we ran down to Midlothian did a few errands and played with my sisters. I cried like 50 thousand times while we were all shopping in Target because it was getting WAY TOO REAL. but anyhow. we said our peace outs and went on home. Came home and still had a gang of packing to do. And at about 2 am we went to bed to prepare for our drive on Saturday.

Saturday. also known as the dumbest day. ha
all I have to say is I woke up crying. Seriously something is wrong with me. not even kidding. I cried while I finished packing. Cried in the shower. Cried while mom ran errands. Cried when I sat down in the car. Cried while I ate my chicken for lunch. and on the road we were. we left Midlothian at about 2:30 in the afternoon and I might add... from the second mom got home and we started loading the car it started POURING! and it continued to pour all. day. long. the whole way to Houston. But ya know you cant tell the difference between the rain and the amount of water coming out of my face. seriously the WHOLE WAY DOWN. the smallest thing I would think of and the water works would start. eh. so we get to the house at about 6:30 Saturday night and we go for a "casual" dinner with the fam at saltgrass. And you bet. while we were waiting for our table I start crying.. I LOATHE crying in front of people. I hate it more than anything and I try to hide it or just ya know cry myself to sleep but no matter what I did the tears just kept on flowing. We come home from dinner and all I want to do is snuggle in my bed with my mom and stop crying. So mom goes upstairs and I go down to talk to everyone about today.. (Sunday) and that quick conversation ended in me yep you guessed it CRYING yet again with Hannah... (the current nanny) she took me up to her room and we just talked about how gay my emotions are. ha! So we talked for like an hour and then I went to my room completely humiliated and started talking with mom. We talked. we laughed. we cried. we.... SNUGGLED! HA! It was hard for me to sleep. I kept waking up thinking that she was gone already. I woke up crying. I woke up feeling like there I wanted to go home already. No way could I do this. It was awful.

So now we are here on today. Sunday and we woke up and did a few things. cried.. AGAIN! and the time came when it was time for mom to leave. It was SO incredibly hard to watch her go. From the time I woke up on Saturday I thought literally 50 times that I just wanted to go back with her. I knew this was going to be hard but boy. I did NOT think it would be this hard. I love my Mom to the moon and back and we might fight about little things but nothing will ever change how close we are and how much I admire her. oye. Im sitting here crying... shocker i know.  anyway. since she left about 5 hours ago. i have cried alot. laughed some. and Never been more hopeful about the situation.
I can honestly sit here and say that at this moment I am so excited this adventure. I know I can do this. It is going to be hard. yes. and Im sure some of you are thinking that Im over reacting but I am just now realizing that this is Kind of a big deal for me in my life right now and its hard. But if I dont try I will be so pissed at myself. I know that I am supposed to be here. I know this is where the Lord wants me at this time in my life and that I have NO doubt about. Im excited to see whats in store for me. I am terrified. but nonetheless excited. Faith over fear right??? thats what I keep telling myself.

Well now that ive wasted most of yalls time with this never ending blog post. Im done. :)

FIVE!

Well hello there world. 

I highly doubt that anyone is reading this because lets face it... my life is not exciting at all! But that hopefully is all about to change. I am moving on Saturday, Yes, that would be 5 days from now. FIVE DAYS! 

If you are sitting there wondering if  I am freaking out... then the answer would be YES! that is an understatement. I am freaking. 

I move in five days and have yet to do anything. Lets make a list of things ive yet to accomplish shall we!? this should be fun.

I have not put one thing I own in a box.

I have not switched my license, voters registration card. or mailing addresses.

I have not organized my thoughts so I know where to start.

I have not made lists of anything I still need to do/want to do. 

I have not gotten things out of storage that I want to take with me. 

I have not taken anything to storage.

needless to say the next 5 days are going to cray!

I am excited. scared out of my mind. incredibly nervous. excited some more. ready. and nervous all over again to start this new adventure. 

Hopefully my life gets super exciting and I can keep this bad boy up! uh. twss.. dang it. I thought I would make it through a whole post without doing that... OH WELL! :)

welp. thats all folks. this qualifies as the lamest blog post ever. 

Maybe come back again!? 

:)